Authors unknown, but I snarfed ‘em from here.
-If you are a sitcom character and your camping trip is going badly, do not say, “Look on the bright side: At least the weather’s nice.”
-Though not widely reported, America’s raccoons and opossums are pitted against each other in a fierce turf war. Avoid getting caught in the crossfire.
-Lake and river water may be unsafe to drink. Steam all water and lick the condensation off a sheet of canvas.
-Under no circumstances should you let your girlfriend go camping with that guy from her pottery class. Trust me on this one.
-Waking up feeling groggy with a sore anus is perfectly normal on camping excursions. It has to do with the fresh air, so keep quiet and don’t tell anyone about it.
-For a fun trip through the fertile fields of the imagination, camp out in front of the TV all day.
-Remember: Snakes are freaky-looking creatures that will bug you out if you chance across them. Why? Get this: The little fuckers don’t have any legs at all.
-No matter what people tell you, do not take a long hike off a short pier. Drowning may result.
-Most of us are well-acquainted with the popular expression, “Go fuck a moose,” but few have actually done so. Until you’ve experienced this majestic outdoor activity firsthand, you have not truly lived.
-Packing women’s makeup and a feather boa will enable you to camp in a very “campy” manner, indeed.
-When hiking in grizzly country, invite companions whom you can outrun. Rub bacon grease on their backpacks each morning.
-When facing an enraged grizzly bear, be sure to wear comfortable, waterproof shoes and thick socks.
-A good rule of thumb regarding campground etiquette is that if a trailer is a-rocking, it is probably best not to come a-knocking.
-Our national parks are home to many magnificent forms of indigenous American wildlife. Be sure to carry a rifle with plenty of stopping power.
-To hike, put one foot in front of the other, propelling yourself forward at a steady, workmanlike pace. After repeating this action thousands of times, you will theoretically begin to experience “fun.”